Friday, March 28, 2008

Hidden Danger

Growing up in Sussex County gave me a rather distorted reality of New Jersey's highway system. As a young man most of my driving consisted of cuising route 565, Madison Reservoir Road, and the occational trip down route 15. For those of you unfamiliar with these "roads less traveled", my greatest concern was whether or not one of those damn deers (as my friends from cenral jersey call them) was going to leap aimlessly infront of my car.
Anyway, now that I live in Morristown I spend a lot more time on roads like route 287, route 80, and my favorite, route 24. Generally speaking, deer don't tend to be a major problem on any of these highways, however their exists an even greater danger to all drivers. A danger that no one ever sees coming. A danger that drives large, hits hard, and when all is over, will admit no fault whatsoever...the danger I speak of...well, lets just put it this way, it makes a hell of a General Tso's Chicken. I know its wrong to make gross generalizations and stereotype people, but COME ON!!! You all know what I'm talking about. There isn''t a single one of you out there that hasn't been cut off by a Ford Excursion traveling 85 mph in the right lane with the right blinker flashing...this is scary stuff and stuff that I wish I could offer a possible defense to. Unfortunately between the elderly, the youth, and our friends from the east, the highways in New Jersey aren't the safest place, but come on folks, this is what makes New Jersey one of the coolest places to live. If I wanted to live somewhere that I didn't have to worry about stuff like this I would move to Montana or some other lonely state. Living in the Garden State is fast paced, edge of your seat kind of driving and if you can't handle it, well, maybe you should check out what the Keystone State has to offer.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Oh Where Have You Gone Bo Jackson?
If you just can't wait to see what the fuss is about check out the clip on youtube by clicking the above link.

Once in a lifetime does an athlete so captivate us the way Bo Jackson did. A two sport athlete, Nike commercials every 10 minutes, the world at his fingertips, and most importantly complete and utter dominance as a video game running back in the original Tecmo Bowl.

Keeping with the tradition of never talking about anything important on our weblog, I am here to shine the spotlight on a man who holds the crown as most legitimate video game man ever. A man I wish I was, and a man you should wish you were...Tecmo Bo. No not Tecmo Bowl but Tecmo in Jackson. He was unstoppable. He was faster than every player in the game and his opposition would bounce off of him like Orvil Reddenbacher popcorn. While the 8 bit graphics were not of quality enough to see little Tecmo Bo's face, I'm sure he was grinning at the ease by which he slashed through his competition. Those little 8 bit Tecmo legs of his were weapons of mass destruction...check this clip'll take you back...

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Marshall's and Me

OK so upon looking in my closet recently I learned a few things:
- I have a lot of Dirty Jerseys (but they are great quality and you can never have enough)
- I am a terrible dresser
- And 80% of my wardrobe is from the heavily discounted yet highly fashionable Marshall's

I say this not because I really have nothing else to write about, but more to give an underappreciated entity it's rightful moment in the sun. Think about what it would be like to roll out of bed with nothing cool to wear, or perhaps think about what it would be like to choose from the 1 of 3 shirts you own from Ralph Lauren because you couldn't afford more than 3 shirts that you continue to wear in a cycle. Now, think about a world where you can have something cool to wear and have a full closet of Ralph Lauren shirts that you bought at reasonable prices. The latter is the world we live in and because of that I am quite proud to be an American. Here's to you "only has Marshall's clothes in his closet" guy.

We thank you Marshall's for providing us a life we wouldn't know without you...Brand name clothes at low low prices is a godsend. The only downside is that your low prices have made it that much easier for toolbags to buy their brand named collared shirts that they "pop". Well no world is perfect I guess.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

You make the call

As a kid I always loved "choose your own adventure" remember, the books where at certain points you were forced to make decisions, which in my case almost always resulted in certain death for the lead character. I hadn't thought much about these books until earlier this evening when I found myself in a situtation that could have ended in a variety of ways.

My journey began around 7pm when I decided to take a stroll around town. As the weather gets warmer this is something that I tend to do quite often, however tonights walk took a most unfortunate turn. As I rounded the corner and walked down South Street I began to feel a slight pain in my lower abdomine. At first I thought that it might just be a cramp, however as I continued on my way it became quite clear that what was happening in stomach was more than just a cramp. As I walked past the Calaloo Cafe the slight pain grew to an almost unbarable level. I stopped at the corner of South and Elm and pretended to peer into the Swiss bakery as I weighed my options. I was at a crossroad, with a difficult decision to make. I could...

A.) Bite my lip, squeeze my cheeks, and pray for the pain to go away
B.) I could bust into the Calaloo Cafe like I own the joint and punish their bathroom...then leave without buying anything
C.) I could stand at the corner, sh*t my pants and write a blog about it

Come on folks, you don't really think I chose option C do you? Well, Im proud, yet a little disappointed that I didn't man up and take option C. Instead I opted for hidden option D. Option D was to walk three long blocks, stopping every ten feet to regroup, and take advatage of the brand new bathrooms inside the Morristown Public Library.

I'm happy to report that the new bathrooms are, or shall I say 'were' beautiful and that they cleary saved me from certain embarrassment. I thought about describing what went on behind closed doors, but you've all been there and don't need the play by play.

Now some of you are probably wondering why I wrote any of this and thats not a bad thought. I told you this story in the hopes that we can all learn something from it. What I learned and what I hope you learned is that walking SUCKS!!! Had I just stayed home, watched Seinfeld, and surfed the web none of that would have ever happend. So next time you feel like getting out and doing something...DON'T!!! Stay inside, play video games, do whatever it is that makes you happy...just so long as there is a bathroom within ten yards of where you are. DIRTY

Monday, March 10, 2008

Governor Gone Wild

Unless you live in Franklin or some other town that time has passed by, you've heard about New York state Governor Elliot Spitzer and his role in an illegal prostitution ring opperating out of Washington D.C. This came as a surprise to politicians and citizens alike, as Spitzer has portrayed himself as a clean cut family man, hell bent on bringing moral values back to government.
Now I know that most of us have a tendency to believe what the mainstream media tells us, however being a constant skeptic I was able to dig a little deeper than the 6 o'clock news and discover what really went down in our nations capital.

On February 13, 2008, Spitzer was in Washington on his way to the Capitol Building when he was approached by trainer Brian McNamme. McNamme is said to have offered Spitzer a B12 injection to give Spitzer the edge that he needed when addressing Congress. Spitzer considered the proposal and ultimately decided to take McNamme up on his offer. Unfortunately what Spitzer didn't know was that McNamme wasn't injecting him with B12, but rather a highly potent drug called "Callawhore". According to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), when taken in large doses Callawhore can cause even the most holy of men to make questionable decisions.
Later that night, after the drug had fully impaired Spitzer and his ability to make sound decisions, McNamme arrived at Spitzers hotel door with a young lady. McNamme explained to Spitzer that the young lady was there to clean the room and make sure that Spitzer felt at home. Spitzer agreed to let the girl stay and resummed his bible studies.
Somewhere around 11pm, McNamme returned to the hotel room, but this time he was drunk. In a drunken rage McNamme forced Spitzer and the young woman to engage in unholy sexual acts for his own personal enjoyment. After several hours of horror, McNamme passed out. It was during this time that Spitzer and the young woman were able to escape to the refuge of a nearby church.

As you can see the mainstream media has once again clearly distorted the facts. Elliot Spitzer is a true American icon and deserves to be held in the highest regards. Shame on you Brian McNamme...Shame on you.